What failure feels like??

I am writing this to look back at the thoughts running through my mind after I gave my last and final attempt, while I was waiting for the results to come.

Back then, I didn't know that CA wasn't what I was meant for. Something else was waiting for me, but it took me five years of running away to finally realize it.

You know that line where the sea meets the sky? It seems so far away that you don't even try to walk toward it. But somewhere, it is calling you. It is up to us to decide when to move toward it, and at what speed. No one knows how far it goes. No one knows how far I will go.

So, here is what I was feeling back then:

Does anyone really try to understand my side of the story? Do they know what I go through every single day, every single minute? Studying like this is not as simple as it looks. Every time I sit down with my books, I can only think about the results. I know it’s not the right way to think. I know I should just focus on my efforts without worrying about the outcome. I know all of it. But what people don’t realize is that because I have failed multiple attempts in the past, there is a deep fear inside me now—a fear of not clearing it again.

Everyone keeps saying, "Leave everything else and just focus on your studies," implying that the fault lies entirely with me because I get distracted. How is that fair? I know how much effort I am putting in. I know how hard I am trying to pass. The marks I get don't just appear out of nowhere; they are the result of the intense hard work I put into every single attempt. Maybe something is lacking in my preparation, but I will never agree with the idea that I am not trying.

I know exactly how much pressure I am facing. It is easy for others to tell me to study for 16 hours straight without wasting time. But it’s not that simple. At the end of the day, I am human. After so many attempts, it is incredibly difficult to just drop everything and sit at a desk for 16 hours. It’s not like I have someone to chat with or talk to all day. I just end up scrolling through things repeatedly on my phone, simply because I am exhausted and human.

There comes a saturation point in everyone’s life, and I have hit mine. I truly want to escape all distractions and just focus on my studies. But after a few hours of intense reading, my brain completely fills up, and nothing around me makes sense anymore. And I can’t always go and talk to my mom about it, because even she tends to go off-topic.

Why is becoming a CA treated like such a massive deal? I know it increases your value in society, but CAs aren't the only people who earn respect. People do so many other things in life for which the world respects them. Now, I’m just scared of what the people around me—the ones I will eventually have to work with—will think. Will they respect me or my work if I don’t have those two letters next to my name? Will I be able to make people proud by doing other things I am actually good at? Or will my other talents be ignored just because I am not a CA? Because I started this journey, everyone has expectations.

Respect should belong to the person and who they are in reality, not to a professional course. I am sacrificing so many things right now, forcing myself down a path that feels completely opposite to my actual destiny. I am happy to make sacrifices if they are for the right thing. But who truly knows what is right and what is wrong?

I know that whoever reads this will probably ignore everything I just said, stick to their own opinions, and judge me for complaining about "small sacrifices" instead of worrying about my future. But I don't want to think about my future all the time. I want to set smaller, achievable goals for myself and work toward them. I am tired of being influenced by what people say on Instagram or within the family.

Academically, I have never been amazing. I’ve been an average student ever since the 4th standard. I am not the type of person who can study for hours on end, memorize everything, and easily crack exams.

What brought me this far was my pure dedication. When I chose CA, I showed an immense level of dedication, which is why I managed to reach the Final stage. But now I see that dedication alone isn't enough, and honestly, I am too exhausted to give it my all anymore.

I just want an opportunity to prove myself in a field where I might actually excel. I want to explore. I want to test my limits. I want to pick up a hobby and actually give time to it, which I can't do right now because I have to sit for exams every six months. This is the age where I should be experimenting. Later in life, I will have too many responsibilities to try new things.

I don't know what the future holds. All I know is that I have been sacrificing for years without seeing results, and it has broken my spirit. I am done sacrificing. It is time to move ahead, try something new, and discover what else I am capable of.

I am done crying and complaining.

A few days later, my results came out, and I didn't clear.

For the first time, failing actually felt good. In my head, I had already decided that I wasn't going to continue with this anymore. It felt as though I had been tied up for years, and suddenly, I was set free.

This journey taught me a lot and helped shape the person I am today, so I have no regrets. What is meant for you will always find a way to reach you.

So, shortly after the results, I joined my cousin in her business.

At that exact moment, I had no idea that I was stepping into a whole new world of sacrifices, stress, and failure. But I was genuinely excited to try something new, and I dived into it with everything I had.

To be continued...