What failure feels like??

I am going to write about the things that were running within me after I gave my last and final attempt and I was waiting for the results to come.

I didn't know by then, that CA is not what I am meant for, something else was waiting for me, realisation of which came after 5 years of me running away from it. 

You know there is a line between the sea and the sky. It seems so far away that you don't even attempt to move towards it. But somewhere it is calling you, it is on us when we decide to move towards it and in what speed. And no one knows how far it goes. How far I will go.

So here it is....

Does people really think from my side, do they even know what I am going through every single day, every single minute that I study is not that simple as it seems, every time I sit to study I think of the results, I know its not the right way to think I know. I should put in efforts without thinking of the result I know everything, but what people do not realising is I have given multiple attempts in past and now there is a fear inside me, fear of not clearing it again.

Everyone keep saying leave everything and just concentrate in your studies and the fault is in me only that I am distracted. How is that correct, I know how much efforts I am putting in, how much I am studying and how much I am trying to clear, every time the marks i am getting doesn't come by itself, its because of the efforts I put in everytime to clear the exam, may be something is lacking, but I cannot agree to the point that I am not putting in efforts.

I know how much pressure I am facing, its easy for other to say to put 16 hours in studying without wasting anytime, its not that easy, at the end of the day I am a human being, after so many attempts its not easy to drop everything and sit for 16 hours. Its not that I have someone to chat with or someone to talk to the whole day, I just keep surfing and I keep seeing things repeatedly, because I am human being.

There comes a saturation point in everyones life and in my life it has come. Even, I want to leave get away from all the distraction and concentrate only on studies. But idk after few hours of intense studies I get saturated  and then nothing around me actually makes sense to me. and always i cant go to mummy and talk to her, even she goes out of topic. 

And why is becoming a CA is such a big deal, I know your value increases after becoming a CA, but its not that the only people who gets respect, are CAs. There are many other things people do for which the world respects them. Now I am scared what people around me with whom I have to work, will think abt me, will they be able to give respect to me or my work if I dont become a CA?? Will I be able to satisfy people by doing other things in life in which I am good at, just because I am not a CA will other things in my life be highlighted or not. Just because I started with CA, people have expectations.

No profession should have respect, respect should be of the person and what he is in reality and not the professional courses he has done. I am sacrifising many things in life reach at a stage set in a different direction totally opposite to my destiny. I am happy to sacrifice lot many things in life if it is for the right thing. But who knows what is right what is not. 

Now I know whosoever will read this will ignore the whole text above and again stick to their point and will curse me that I am worried about those small sacrifise and not about my future. I don't want to think of my future all the time. I want to set smaller goals for myself and work towards it. I don't want to be influenced by what people speak around on the gram and in the fam. 

My academics were never great. I am an average student when it comes to studies. After 4th std always I have been a average student, so I am not that type of a person who can study for hours together, crack it, memorise it and clear the exams.

What brought me to this stage is my dedications towards whatever I do in life. I selected CA and I showed immense level of dedication in that and because of which I am in my final stage but now I see only dedication doesn't work and even i am exhausted to show my full dedication at this point of life.

I want an opportunity to prove myself in some other field in which I may be good at. I want to explore, I want to test myself, I want to pick a hobby and give time to it which I am not able to because of the exams I have to give in every six months. This is the age where I can do this and I can start with it, after a point of time I will have many other responsibilities where I will not be able to do any experiment in life.

I don't know what will happen, all I know is since years I am sacrifiysing and I am not seeing any results and this has made me weak in every sense. Done with sacrificing, time to move ahead in life, time to do something new in life and explore more things I have in me.

Done with cribbing and crying.

After few days my results came and I didn't clear. And that was the time I felt good for a change because I already decided in my head that I am not gonna continue this any further.

It felt like I was tied up somewhere since years and now I am released. This journey taught me a lot, helped in becoming what I am today, so no regrets, what is meant for you, is waiting for you and will pave the way for you sometime in life.

So yeah, soon after this, I joint my cousin in her business.

I didn't know at that moment  that I am entering into another world of sacrifices and stress and failure. But yeah I was excited to do something new and I went into it with full power.

Tp be continued...